How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You:

Forgiveness is not an all-or-nothing process. Even letting go of a small amount of anger can be a meaningful step toward freedom. However, knowing that forgiveness is important does not always make it easy. Many people struggle to forgive someone who has hurt them, especially when there is no apology. This article explores how to forgive someone who hurt you, including simple and practical steps to help you understand forgiveness and gradually let go of resentment, anger, and pain.

Is Forgiveness a Choice or a Feeling?

Forgiveness is often a slow process. Many people wait until they feel ready before they try to forgive. However, forgiveness is not simply a feeling that appears on its own. It can be a decision and a practice that we choose to work on consciously (Luskin, 2003; Enright, 2001).

You do not have to wait for the perfect moment when you suddenly feel ready to forgive. You can choose to begin the process today. This does not mean that the pain or anger will disappear immediately. It means that you are choosing to move toward healing.

The psychology of forgiveness focuses on finding greater peace and understanding by slowly moving away from blame. When we stop allowing anger and blame to control us, we may begin to experience greater peace. However, this peace is usually the result of the forgiveness process, not something we must feel before we begin (Luskin, 2003).

Understanding this difference can change the way we think about forgiveness. Instead of seeing forgiveness as something that simply happens to us, we can see it as something we actively practice. We can take small steps toward letting go of resentment, even when difficult feelings are still present.

What Prevents You From Forgiving?

Forgiveness can be difficult for many reasons. Understanding these barriers can help us see why we may struggle to forgive ourselves or others.

  • Waiting for an Apology: Many people believe they can forgive only after the person who hurt them admits what they did and says sorry. However, this can make healing dependent on another person.

If we wait for an apology, we give the person who hurt us some control over our healing. They may never apologize, or they may not understand how deeply their actions affected us. In such cases, waiting for an apology can keep us stuck in anger and pain (Enright, 2001).

Forgiveness does not have to depend on whether the other person apologizes. It can be a personal decision to begin releasing the anger and resentment that are hurting us. This does not mean accepting what happened or saying that the behavior was right.

  • Confusing Forgiveness With Trust: Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. Forgiving someone does not mean that you must trust them again.

Trust is built through time and consistent behavior. If someone has hurt you, they may need to show through their actions that they can be trusted again. Forgiveness, however, is mainly about your own inner response to what happened.

You can forgive someone while still keeping healthy boundaries. You can also decide that you do not want the same relationship with that person again. Forgiveness does not require you to ignore harmful behavior or put yourself in danger.

  • Shame Can Block Self-Forgiveness: Forgiving yourself can sometimes be even harder than forgiving another person. One major barrier is shame.

Guilt and shame are different. Guilt tells you, “I did something wrong.” It can encourage you to accept responsibility, make things right, and learn from your actions. Shame tells you, “I am a bad person.” It can lead to self-blame, withdrawal, and feelings of helplessness (Tangney & Dearing, 2003).

When shame becomes strong, you may feel that you do not deserve forgiveness. You may continue punishing yourself even after you have learned from your mistake.

For this reason, self-forgiveness requires you to recognize shame and question the negative beliefs it creates. You can accept responsibility for what you did without believing that one mistake defines your entire worth. Learning from the past and treating yourself with understanding can help you move toward genuine self-forgiveness.

How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You:

The following steps are based on Fred Luskin’s (2003) nine steps to forgiveness and Enright’s (2001) process model. They have been simplified into practical steps that can make the process easier to understand and follow.

1. Know Exactly What You Are Forgiving: Start by clearly identifying what happened. Think about the specific action or situation that caused your pain. Ask yourself what happened, how it made you feel, and how it affected your life.

Try to avoid describing the problem in a vague way. Clear words can help you understand your feelings better. You may write about the experience in a journal or talk about it with someone you trust. Putting your thoughts into words can help you understand the source of your resentment and begin the process of letting it go.

2. Choose Forgiveness for Your Own Benefit: Remind yourself why you want to forgive. You are not forgiving because the other person deserves it or because what happened was acceptable. You are choosing forgiveness because holding on to anger and resentment can take away your peace and emotional energy.

Carrying resentment for a long time can also affect your health and well-being (Luskin, 2003). Forgiveness can therefore be a way of taking care of yourself. When the process becomes difficult, remembering your reasons for forgiving can help you continue.

3. Separate the Person From the Act: Try to separate the person from the harmful thing they did. A person is usually more than their worst action. This does not mean that you should excuse, forget, or approve of their behavior.

People sometimes act because of their own pain, weaknesses, problems, or difficult circumstances. Understanding this can help you see the situation from a wider perspective. Their harmful actions do not determine your value or worth (Luskin, 2003).

Developing this wider perspective can also support the process of forgiveness. Research on the neuroscience of forgiveness suggests that empathy related to understanding another person’s perspective can play a role in forgiveness (Ricciardi et al., 2013; Molinero et al., 2024).

4. Let Go of Expectations You Cannot Control: A great deal of emotional pain can come from the difference between what happened and what we believe should have happened. You may think, “They should have respected me,” or “This should never have happened to me.”

Fred Luskin (2003) describes these expectations as “unenforceable rules.” These are expectations that may seem reasonable but are not always within our control. We cannot force other people to behave as we believe they should.

Letting go of these expectations does not mean accepting poor treatment or lowering your standards. You can still expect honesty, kindness, and respect in your relationships. The goal is to stop fighting with a reality that cannot be changed.

When you accept that the past cannot be changed, you can reduce repeated thoughts about what should have happened. This can help you stop the cycle of rumination and save emotional energy. You can then focus on what you want to do next.

5. Redirect Your Energy Toward Your Own Life: Forgiveness is not only about letting go of the past. It is also about moving forward.

Ask yourself what you want your life to look like after the painful experience. Think about your goals, relationships, interests, and future plans. Instead of spending most of your emotional energy thinking about the person who hurt you, begin investing that energy in your own life.

You can focus on learning new skills, building healthy relationships, caring for yourself, or working toward personal goals. These actions can help you create a meaningful future.

In this way, forgiveness becomes more than simply releasing anger. It becomes an active choice to move forward, rebuild your life, and give yourself the opportunity to grow and flourish.

When Forgiveness Feels Impossible:

Sometimes forgiveness can feel not only difficult but also wrong. This may happen when the hurt is very deep, when someone has caused serious harm, or when you have experienced a major loss that cannot be undone. In these situations, it is important to remember that there is no fixed timeline for forgiveness. You do not have to forgive quickly, and you should not feel pressured to do so.

When forgiveness feels completely out of reach, it may mean that you are not yet ready for that step. You may first need to feel safe, understand what happened, and give yourself time to grieve. Forgiveness becomes more possible when the emotional foundation for healing is in place (Luskin, 2003).

Sometimes, support from a trusted person or a mental health professional can also help. Talking with someone who understands your experience can give you a safe space to express your feelings. Professional support may help you work through deep pain and gradually move toward healing.

It is also important to remember that forgiveness is not an all or nothing process. You do not have to completely forgive someone at once. You can begin with a small step, such as choosing not to think about the painful experience repeatedly or deciding not to let resentment control your daily life.

You may still feel angry, hurt, or sad while making progress. That does not mean you have failed. Even a small reduction in resentment can be meaningful. Every step away from anger and repeated painful thoughts can bring you closer to greater peace and a stronger sense of personal freedom.

In conclusion, forgiveness is a valuable skill because it can help you find greater peace and move forward. It is not about saying that the hurt was acceptable. It is about choosing not to let the pain control your life. Forgiveness takes time and involves small, active choices. You do not need to feel completely ready or do it perfectly. Start with one small step, let go gradually, and give yourself permission to move forward.

References:

  1. Enright, R. D. (2001). Forgiveness is a choice: A step-by-step process for resolving anger and restoring hope. American Psychological Association.
  2. Ho, M. Y., Worthington, E. L., Jr., Cowden, R. G., Bechara, A. O., Chen, Z. J., Gunatirin, E. Y., Joynt, S., Khalanskyi, V. V., Korzhov, H., Kurniati, N. M. T., Rodriguez, N., Salnykova, A., Shtanko, L., Tymchenko, S., Voytenko, V. L., Zulkaida, A., Mathur, M. B., & VanderWeele, T. J. (2024). International REACH forgiveness intervention: A multisite randomised controlled trial. BMJ Public Health, 2, e000072. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjph-2023-000072
  3. Luskin, F. (2003). Forgive for good: A proven prescription for health and happiness. HarperOne.
  4. Molinero, A., Serrano, M. Á., & López, F. (2024). Effectiveness of forgiveness training programs in university contexts: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Cogent Education, 11(1), Article 2378242. https://doi.org/10.1080/2331186X.2024.2378242
  5. Ricciardi, E., Rota, G., Sani, L., Gentili, C., Gaglianese, A., Guazzelli, M., & Pietrini, P. (2013). How the brain heals emotional wounds: The functional neuroanatomy of forgiveness. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 7, Article 839. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2013.00839
  6. Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L. (2003). Shame and guilt. Guilford Press.